I Have an Eating Disorder

I said it. I am addicted to food. Which sucks because I also want to lose weight.

This is not exactly a secret, but also not something that I have shared with anyone. I try to be “good” and I set limits for myself, but it seems as though my self-control only lasts for half a day. It doesn’t matter if I’ve gone to the gym or not, or if I’ve eaten healthily or not at all.

As I’m driving home I am craving it. If I could only make it home it wouldn’t be so bad, because I’d have an audience and I hate eating in front of people, and I’m almost there… just five more minutes!… Oh! look! McDonalds. I’ll have two meals, plus dessert, please. I’ll sit in the parking lot to eat because I’m too ashamed to go home, and I’ll hate myself every time I take a bite, but I can’t stop. I’ll literally eat until it hurts, then I’ll go home and have to pretend like nothing ever happened. I’ll eat dinner again because it’s not healthy to skip dinner but I can’t possibly admit what I did on my way home and I’ll probably complain about how I ‘don’t understand’ why I’m gaining/not losing weight… even though I do.

I feel disgusting.

I promise myself that tomorrow will be better. A better diet pill, a tougher workout. I know it’s my fault but I feel like I can’t control it so I’ll look for something external instead. It’s not healthy, but it’s easier than admitting that I need to deal with my mental health.

While I’ve made improvements and my binges are slightly smaller and more infrequent, this is how I gained all my weight. I went from 55kg to 80kg on late-night binges of pizza and drive-through burgers. Now I weigh about 70kg.

I’ve finally taken steps to get my impulses under control. I’ll keep you updated on how that goes. I’ll probably start receiving treatment for my depression and anxiety at the same time. There’s no shame in getting help, and if it comes down to it, there’s no shame in taking medication either.

Talk to you again soon!


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